Pfizer Plays A Funny Joke: Your Birth Control Pill Doesn’t Work!

Français : Différents types de pilule contrace...

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The following is meant to be humorous.  People who use jokes as medical advice are in trouble.

In really, really interesting news, Pfizer has withdrawn a million packets of birth control pills from the market.  When I heard this, I thought:  “they screwed up the number of placebo pills.”  And you know what?  They did.

So in a pack of birth control pills you get 21 good ones with the lovely mix of synthetic estrogen derived from pregnant mare’s urine (what?  he’s joking!  I wish.)  You also get seven pills of nothing.  This is because patients are stupid/forgetful, and won’t remember to take their pill unless they take one every single day.  It’s good practice for when you’re over fifty and you need to take two dozen pills every single day, otherwise you’re blood pressure will skyrocket and you will simply explode on the sidewalk.  That’s right, modern drug makers have saved us from “exploding elder syndrome” which used to be a problem.  The medical term is “spontaneous combustion.”

Anyway, the studs over at Pfizer decided to see if anyone was paying attention, so they added an extra drug pill here, took one away there.  Hehehe.  Good fun.  Never mind the cowering boyfriends barricaded in the bathroom as their sig fig loses it over the lack of butterscotch ice cream.  Hormones are such fun things to play around with.

Who discovered the error?  Was it Pfizer’s highly paid pharmacy staff?  Was it their quality control specialists?  Was it their detail checkers who make sure the trillions we’re dumping into their landfills of cash are at least going toward the right drug?  No, it was a consumer.

Can you imagine that phone call?  “Hi.  I think that my birth control pills are off.”  “Nope.”  “No really, there’s too many white ones.”  “It happens all the time, honey, just double up and pray nothing bad happens.”  “Seriously, I think you’ve made an error.”  That must have gone on for hours, through levels of Pfizer bureaucracy.

So how does that happen?  What causes a machine to start spitting out funky batches?  And sure, they caught the wrong pills, but did anyone check the dosages in those pills?  Nooo, because it was only “thirty packs.”  Ok, efficiency expert here.  Big tip for the big trillion dollar multinational.  You MIGHT want to run batches of more pills at a time.  I think at least a few hundred.  Or maybe… a million at a run.

That’s right.  Pfizer is recalling a million packs because…they screwed up on a million packs.  Really.  Sit in the board room for a second.  “We screwed up on thirty packs, so let’s take a million packs back even though 999,970 of them are fine.”  Maybe they screwed up on more, because some other less alert consumers probably didn’t catch last year’s mixup.  Look for the “Pfizer mini-baby boom” in about six months.  So, if Pfizer is responsible for your kid, can you sue them for alimony?

Ahhh, it feels good to rely entirely on massive conglomerates who have armies of attorneys and buckets of money to defend them from any liability.

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