An Exercise in Caveman Living (An Upcoming Book)
Warning: The following contains the secrets of the paleolithic diet and lifestyle that those other high-protein diet mongers don’t want you to know. It isn’t enough to just eat like a neanderthal, you need to maintain the lifestyle as well for maximum benefit.
Forget the protein mongers. Fat, sedentary grass-fed beef has nothing on the locally available wildlife. There’s nothing like chasing your quarry barefoot through the concrete jungle, culling the diseased animals from the herd, and feasting on their organ meats, bone marrow and offal, all over an open flame.
It’s time to get serious about the paleolithic lifestyle. Here’s a list of what the book contains:
Learn about the homeless, semi-nomadic base lifestyle.
Food gathering from available sources (dumpster diving).
Fighting tactics for rival tribes (poisoning the winos).
Treating women like animals (rutting season).
Butchering stray cats and dogs.
How to recognize diseased animals for easier prey.
Running in the urban slum.
Packing crate spears.
Pelt curing in the urban landscape.
Parkour (free running) on steroids (avoiding capture).
Home schooling little nomads.
Getting old (when to stone granpa or use him as bait).
Childbirth as a nomad (three ways to cut an umbilical cord with your teeth).
Forget the Founding Fathers, Overdressed Dandy Poofs. Rule By the Club.
Ignore the Rest of the World
Never Communicate Beyond Grunts (with online training from men across the country).
Want to get started before the book comes out? Begin by relieving your bowels in front of others. Eat your meat burned or raw. Beat up the next guy you see for his woman. Never work again. Oh, and dump those shoe things. Paleo is loin cloth warm, furs cold. Start accumulating your animal hides now!
(Disclaimer: If you think this is serious, and are considering doing it, please contact your nearest funny farm operator.)