Archive for December, 2011

The Tyranny of Averages: Imaginary Naturopathic Doctors Who Make More Than I Do.

Presque Isle River

Image by chief_huddleston via Flickr

I was looking about at Maine Naturopathic Doctors, a topic of personal interest.  According to a website that gives averages of salaries for every job, everywhere, Naturopathic doctors in Presque Isle make an average of 56k a year, with options to earn more far more.

Very disturbing, because I know for a fact that we have no N.D.s currently in Presque Isle.  My current location, Augusta, isn’t even listed on the averages charts, so evidently the four of us who practice locally don’t exist.

But in this case I have a very real sounding number, based on absolutely nothing at all.  How much of our current debates about finances and public policy are based on averages that fail to even come close to touching reality anywhere?

Now, I’m thinking about moving to Presque Isle if I can get this averages website to give me some guarantees about my possible salary.

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Wind May Cause Disease.

English: Moon over San Diego. Français : San D...

Image via Wikipedia

In a turn around from “common wisdom,”  scientists are now thinking that wind currents might affect a disease called Kawasaki Syndrome.  In science speak:  “it was possible from their analysis to identify the major anomalous yearly peaks of KD cases occurring in San Diego from 1994 to 2008 as belonging to two main atmospheric configurations.”  In English that would be:  “much wind raises much dust and makes your nose run more.”

In other news. scientists are researching the idea that really cold air might in fact make one more susceptible to stay inside with coughing people and so might be a causal factor for colds.  They also discovered that chicken soup might be helpful.

Luckier researchers have discovered that when mommy kisses a boo-boo, it does make it feel better.

I want to research the possibility that sugar makes children hyper and how much chocolate it takes to stay up all night.  Where’s my government grant?

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Hallelujah Chorus Virus Breaks Out In Mall, Experts Advise Vaccination

In this disturbing footage, we see a spontaneous outbreak of great joy and brotherly love, manifesting itself as Hallelujah Syndrome.  Mall authorities were quick to quarantine the area and vaccinate all present.  Despite this, sporadic outbreaks of joy and even occasional singing were reported throughout the area.  Hallelujah

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Forget Double Mastectomy, It’s Time For Double Testiculectomy

Yes, the proper term is orchiectomy, but who knows what that is?  The other term is castration, but nobody likes that term.  It makes men cross their legs.

Healthy Perspective: The latest health & wellness news with a dose of conversation – USATODAY.com.

Another celebrity is having both of her breasts removed, even though it won’t increase her chances of survival.  So why do it?  It just seems like the thing to do.  No breasts, no chance of breast cancer, right?  Unfortunately, recurrent breast cancer can go elsewhere in the body.  We haven’t quite reached the point where we’ll be carving out her liver ahead of time “just in case.”

But when did breasts become less precious to a woman than testicles are to a man?  We never hear a testicular cancer victim saying:  “I’m having them both off.  Better safe than sorry.”  Sure, he’s not likely to get another round, but with no testicles, he’s CERTAIN to never have testicular cancer again.  And you definitely can get synthetic replacements.  Heck, they even have them for the testicularly challenged male dog.

If we’re on the subject, where’s the market in testicular augmentation?  Oh, sure, there’s the odd scrotal packer, but the practice is not common.

Come to think of it, when was the last time any doctor did a good, old-fashioned scrotal exam?  Just like the breast exam, with three layers of pressure, making sure every area is covered.

Never happens.  That’s the last time you’d see that doctor.  Probably get beat up or written up, or both.

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Going the Full Paleo: Avoid Weak Imitations of The Paleolithic Diet. It’s Time For the Lifestyle, Baby!

An Exercise in Caveman Living  (An Upcoming Book)

Warning:  The following contains the secrets of the paleolithic diet and lifestyle that those other high-protein diet mongers don’t want you to know.  It isn’t enough to just eat like a neanderthal, you need to maintain the lifestyle as well for maximum benefit.

Forget the protein mongers.  Fat, sedentary grass-fed beef has nothing on the locally available wildlife.  There’s nothing like chasing your quarry barefoot through the concrete jungle, culling the diseased animals from the herd, and feasting on their organ meats, bone marrow and offal, all over an open flame.

It’s time to get serious about the paleolithic lifestyle.  Here’s a list of what the book contains:

Learn about the homeless, semi-nomadic base lifestyle.

Food gathering from available sources (dumpster diving).

Fighting tactics for rival tribes (poisoning the winos).

Treating women like animals (rutting season).

Butchering stray cats and dogs.

How to recognize diseased animals for easier prey.

Running in the urban slum.

Packing crate spears.

Pelt curing in the urban landscape.

Parkour (free running) on steroids (avoiding capture).

Home schooling little nomads.

Getting old (when to stone granpa or use him as bait).

Childbirth as a nomad (three ways to cut an umbilical cord with your teeth).

Forget the Founding Fathers, Overdressed Dandy Poofs.  Rule By the Club.

Ignore the Rest of the World

Never Vote

Never Communicate Beyond Grunts (with online training from men across the country).

Want to get started before the book comes out?  Begin by relieving your bowels in front of others.  Eat your meat burned or raw.  Beat up the next guy you see for his woman.  Never work again.  Oh, and dump those shoe things.  Paleo is loin cloth warm, furs cold.  Start accumulating your animal hides now!

(Disclaimer:  If you think this is serious, and are considering doing it, please contact your nearest funny farm operator.)

 

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