What Is Your Real Age? Dr. Oz Wants You To Change It.

English: Hair scissor for thinning hair Deutsch: Modellierschere (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I took the Real Age test.  It’s available from Dr. Oz’s site.

If you want to know your real age, figure out what year you were born, and figure out what year it is.  Subtract the year you were born from this year, and you have a rough estimate of your real age.

If you want a medical gimmick for your real age, feel free to give a computer program your contact information, your birthdate, and an enormous amount of personal medical information highly tailored to your previous answers.  I knew I was in trouble when the computer asked me who had diagnosed my thinning hair and I checked self rather than saying a licensed professional had diagnosed it.

The problem with any sort of computer simulation is that it only asks questions about known or reasonable risk factors.  There should have been a great deal more on family history.  If you want to know how long you’ve got, look at when all your grandparents died.  Factor in whether they smoked like chimneys or drank like a waterfall, and you have a good idea of how long you’ll live.  Knowing that I’m officially RealAge 37.7 (I like the .7) isn’t much help if all my family kicked off in their early forties.

I had an irrational urge to cheat on the Real Age questions.  What if I claimed to be a svelte female me?  Would I live longer?  What if I claimed I smoked like a chimney?  Would that age me overnight?  What difference did it make that I checked thinning hair rather than the tempting “no illnesses.”  Why did they even ask about thinning hair?  Is it really an aging factor?  Did it age me because of the “thick haired men look younger” gene?

I think they should add a section to the Real Age answer sheet where they explain what the “right” answers would have been.  How are you supposed to improve your real age if you don’t have a clear picture of what you’re missing?  Oh, that’s right.  I’ll get pieces of my “right” answers in the mail, tailored to keeping me hooked on an endless supply of pamphlets and overpriced supplements.  Even as we speak, a pamphlet for thinning hair is winging its way through the internet ether to land with a solid thud at my email door.  Now that I’ve given my health information away, all I can expect is an endless parade of people who want to fix the boxes I checked.

So what’s my real age?  It’s not 37.7.  First I take the current year, then I deduct the year I was born…

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Dr. Oz And the Thirty Day Flat Belly Diet. Just Add Hot Coals.

Sweet potatoes, 12-27-08 (Photo credit: polkadotpup)

Dr. Oz is promoting a thirty-day flat belly diet.  “In only 30 days, you can have the flat belly you’ve always dreamed of! That’s the promise made by Brett Hoebel, a weight-loss guru who’s designed a miracle formula for flat abs.”

Doesn’t it sound like every infomercial you’ve ever heard?  With before and after photos of ex-models who’ve gained  a few pounds and worked them off in thirty days?  So now it works for everyone!  You, yes you mr. oxygen dependent emphysema patient, can get a flat belly in thirty days!  And you, lady who now weighs a thousand pounds because she’s trying to win some personal record, drop all that weight in thirty days!  Not gonna happen.

So let’s change it to “healthy people being slightly healthier in thirty days.”  Less catchy, but attainable.

Next we have the shopping list, which looks like the shopping list for every New York model.  If you eat only these foods, you will definitely be dropping weight.

Shopping List

Protein

1. Chicken
2. Turkey
3. Eggs

Complex Carbs

1. Sweet Potato
2. Brown Rice Cakes
3. Oatmeal
4. Leafy Greens (broccoli, spinach, asparagus, lettuce, kale, chard etc.)

Simple Carbs

1. Apples
2. Berries

Fat

1. Raw Nuts & Nut Butter (almonds, cashews, walnuts, almond butter, peanut butter)

Bonus Food: Beans. Legumes are a great source of protein, carbs, good fats and fiber.

Then we start the day with an anti-bloat smoothie.  But look at the ingredients.  My shopping list didn’t include my fresh mint garnish!  And my probiotic straws, where are my probiotic straws!  (Oh, for crying out loud.  Dip a regular straw in yogurt and call it probiotic.)

The meals are all from the “starve-u-R-us” recipe book.  Try adding a bit of cinnamon to your one sweet potato.  You might just forget you’re starving.  But what is this?  I need ten grams of glutamine and not just CLA but Tonalin CLA?  Doggone it, now I’ve got to hit the all-night GNC to get my fat burning supplements.

And exercise?  Where’s that component?  Oh, I can do the five-minute fat burning workout three times a week and that will cover me.  Of course, if that’s all I do, I’ll end up tearing something or hurting something by week two, but never mind that.  Jump and dance.

The only way this plan will give you a flat belly in thirty days is to heat it up, with my new Hot Coals Oompa Loompa! (patent pending).  Do all of the above, but add a ten-by ten foot bed of hot coals (recycled food logs from fair marketed renewable crops).  Every day, twice a day, spend ten minutes on a bed of hot coals.  There’s no instructional tape.  You just do what comes naturally on a bed of hot coals, and watch those pounds literally melt away!

 

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The Feeding Tube Diet: A Magical Weight-Loss Solution? | The Dr. Oz Show

With her feeding tube (Photo credit: jystewart)

The Feeding Tube Diet: A Magical Weight-Loss Solution? | The Dr. Oz Show.

I have a question about getting a feeding tube inserted down your nose and into your stomach.  Is that a covered medical expense, or strictly out of pocket?

(The following is HUMOROUS.  That means don’t do it.  But think about it before you have a feeding-tube inserted.)

The layman’s feeding tube diet:

1) long piece of duct tape.

2) one straw.

Instructions:

Pierce duct tape.  Insert straw through duct tape.

Place duct tape with straw over mouth.

Drink only one 800 calorie shake through straw.  Have as much water as you’d like.

Do not remove duct tape until weight loss is achieved.

Duct tape.  It’s what’s good about America.

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